This is a very recent thing for me and this is the first time I’m opening up about it so publicly, so apologies in advance if this post is a bit….everywhere.
So for the past couple of months I’ve been feeling weird about myself. I wouldn’t say I’m a mean person by any means, but I’m not all that nice either. I’m very straight to the point, telling you what you need to hear not what you wanna hear sorta thing. Which people have thanked me for because not many people would talk to them like that, ask them the difficult questions.
People like to make excuses for the way they behave, even if they don’t like the way they’re acting, and I don’t let them make those excuses with me. Maybe that rubs people the wrong way, who knows.
But I’ve lost so many groups of friends within the almost three years I’ve been at sixth form. So many. And it’s difficult to not wonder if there was something wrong with me. I was the common denominator in every one of these failing friendships after all.
I’m not exactly tolerant, if I don’t like you then see ya later because it’s unlikely that I’ll stick around. This quality has helped me because I’ve cut off many toxic people, hence me losing all my damn so called friends. But it still sucks.
Despite me feeling like my personality is quite… rough? I can’t think of another way I’d want to be, even to fake being. There is no other way that I think it’s possible for me to act. I like you or I don’t, and if I don’t then leave me alone because I don’t have the energy to deal with people I don’t like, not anymore.
But that leaves me with a miniscule circle of friends, perhaps three people I would consider my close friends aside from my beloved boyfriend who has been with me through all of my friend breakups.
I keep hoping I find my tribe at uni but I’m just afraid I’ll lose them all again. Over and over again I’ve gotten close to people and then I’ve lost them, or they’ve stabbed me in the back. I suppose you can’t blame me for feeling so anxious.
I don’t even struggle to make friends, I can start up a conversation no problem. It’s just keeping friends that I seem to struggle with, there’s seemingly no one I can click with and remain that way with other than my bf. While I’m grateful for him and I value our relationship, I just wish I could find my own people too.
Saying all of this, I think I am a good friend to those I’m close with. Or was close with at least, I try my best to give good advice where I can. But it’s been a long while since I’ve had a best friend so there’s that. People come to me with their problems, but I haven’t found many who I feel comfortable sharing mine with.
It sucks because I was feeling so good about myself despite my mental health struggles and then suddenly my whole damn personality is making me feel like a freak.
Well, this one was a toughie to write
Until next time, maybe with a less painful post…